I wanted to tell more than just my stories on this blog; I wanted to get stories from other people – men, women, dating, single, living at home, living not at home, etc. So I recruited some guest bloggers. I’m excited to share Jessica’s story with you today.
I was very flattered when asked to be a guest blogger by Charity on her site that has continuously encouraged me on my walk through singleness. However I feel inadequate to speak on a subject that I can never seem to get ahead of. But I am very thankful that the Lord uses broken vessels in this broken world to share His healing truth!
My prayer in writing about my story and the struggle I face in singleness is that through my misplaced hopes, the lies that I so often believe about God, and the truth that the Holy Spirit faithfully reminds me of would encourage whomever reads this and that the truth about our good God who deeply cares about our hearts and our struggles has left us with a hope that can overcome any and all situations.
I have been a believer for almost 6 years now and I have been single since becoming a Christian. I have yet to experience a relationship with a God-fearing man that is headed towards marriage and my heart desperately longs for that day. However I have seen what a life without Jesus has to offer and where it all leads to and I can with full confidence say that I am not missing out on anything! I would rather be single and have Jesus than be in a relationship and not have God!
Ever since I was a little girl I have had an active fantasy life, playing with dolls and Barbies and making perfect families that loved and cared for each other and got along. It was very far from the reality of dysfunction that I grew up in.
So as I continued into adulthood, my desire to become a wife and then someday a mom continued to grow as well. I had a few boyfriends and even came close to marriage once, yet the Lord had a different plan for the direction of my life. At the age of 26, He decided to show me a need for Jesus and He even used the desire of having a future Christian family to do so. It was great becoming a Christian and seeing my life change dramatically, I no longer participated in the same activities as I use to and the desires for what I wanted changed as well.
However there was one desire that did not change, in fact it grew stronger: I wanted a husband. I wanted a husband that loved Jesus and who would love me well too. I believed and still do find myself believing that having a husband would make my life complete. That without a husband I have somehow failed or become meaningless. The act of marriage becomes my end goal in this life leading me to believe lies about God, and to put my hope in hopeless areas.
This lie has led me to put my hope mainly in godly men. And because fantasizing and imagining have always been a huge part of my life, I quickly think on what a marriage or life would look like with whomever I am putting my hope in in that moment.
My heart runs to believing that if I have this man as a husband, my life will have meaning, that my life will be complete, even better. I elevate marriage in my heart above God and it quickly becomes my purpose in life and a goal I must obtain, pushing God out of the way or using Him to get what I want.
But marriage is not above God, it does not give me life, it does not give me breath, it does not fulfill my greatest need which is to be saved from the slavery of sin and into a grace filled life. Marriage/a husband cannot take the place of Jesus, it was never meant to! And please don’t get me wrong, I do believe marriage is a really good gift given by a really good God, but when I make getting married the end goal in this life I start to put my hope in obtaining God’s gifts instead of in the gift giver Himself.
The end goal of this life is to be with Jesus, to see Him face to face and to share the love that He has graciously given to those who put their trust in Him. My God, my Heavenly Father sent His one and only precious son to this earth to live a perfect life for me and to die a death that I deserve so that I could have an everlasting hope greater than any marriage or any husband could ever give. Jesus is the one who makes my life complete. Knowing Him, believing in Him, believing His truth, resting in the love that God the Father gives me in His son is my goal in this life.
I am by no means great at believing all the truths that the gospel brings me, I often miss how good my God is and I often think how much better a potential man could be to me more than the sacrificial love of Jesus that is continually poured out on me. But once again I am not left without hope, I am left with forgiveness and a very kind and faithful God that reminds me of the love that only He can give.
It is this love in Jesus that makes me complete, it is Jesus that is my ending point.
Jessica Brown is a hairdresser in La Mesa, CA. She lives with three other women from her church (Kaleo Church in El Cajon, CA) and enjoys playing soccer and hosting football-watching parties at her house.