We’ve all heard these “condolences” – the things people say to somehow make us feel better about being single. Or maybe you haven’t heard these; maybe I just seem more desperately in need of condoling than you.
Some of them are true, but they’re all either cliché or kind of ridiculous, and so I shall snark them up here. Feel free to use these responses in an actual conversation, and let me know how it works out for you. (I, for one, am too scared polite to say these to anyone’s face.)
|You just haven’t found the right guy.||Duh, people. Duh.|
|Your time will come.||I’m particularly fond of 12:34 pm. Can that be my time?|
|As soon as you stop looking, he’ll come.||Okay, seriously? If I hear that one more time, I might hurt someone. Just because that worked for your sister doesn’t mean it’s going to work for everyone.|
|Marriage isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.||Neither is singleness.|
|At least you don’t have to deal with [fill in the blank].||You’re right. I may not have anyone to kiss, but at least I don’t have to worry about smudging my lipstick.|
|What I wouldn’t give to have [freedom to travel/own bathroom/night without snoring/control of the remote] again.||Baha. I have that, and you don’t.|
|I totally admire you for staying single. I couldn’t do it.||It’s not like I chose to be single – I was born this way.|
|How are you doing with singleness? I know I totally hated being single.||Unless you were 29 or older when you got married, then I respectfully request that you SHUT UP.|
|Don’t worry. My friend/mom/coworker got married when she was in her 40’s.||Oh, THAT’s super encouraging.|
|I’m so happy in my relationship. Let’s find you a man!||I want to shoot you in your happy, happy face right now.|
|Are you gay?||Are you?|
|You can always get your eggs frozen.||<facepalm>|
My apologies if something you said made it onto this list. In offline life, I do appreciate the efforts to find out how I’m doing and troubleshoot the real and sometimes comical issues I face.