My Good God Who Loves Me

About 3 weeks ago, I was home alone, and I was confronted with my deeply-seated, soul-ingrained desire for a husband. It wasn’t like my heart longed; it was like my soul ached, and I cried out to God with only groans.

For about 3 years, I’ve confronted all the ways and reasons I desire a man. I’ve written post after post after post, and they mostly follow the format: Desire – reason for desire – reason I’m believing a lie – truth – Gospel truth – Yay Jesus.

So on this particular day, I confronted my desire for a husband. I didn’t even know why I wanted one so badly; it took me a few minutes of talking to God to figure it out.

I finally realized, though, that I felt like my life wouldn’t begin until I had a husband.

Obviously, this is a lie. Obviously, I have a life (and a great one). But this lie was different; it refused to be covered up by slapping a few Gospel bumper-stickers on it or rooted up by throwing a couple of Bible verses at it. I deeply, deeply, for years – maybe even decades – had been believing this subtle lie that my life will begin when I’m married. It’s been embedded in the depths of my soul and woven into the fabric of my unconsciousness for as long as I can remember. So it took some major processing, praying, and digging to combat it with the truth. Read More

Just for Fun: Beauty of Jesus

I haven’t been blogging lately – not because I’m not processing the Gospel, but because I haven’t really been processing singleness. One of the things that occupied my time and thoughts the last 4-5 weeks has been a devotional talk I gave at a ladies event at my church today.

Just to prove that I’m still alive and thinking deep thoughts, here is the transcript of my 20-minute talk. Happy reading, friends!


How many of you, today, did something just to make yourself look pretty?

<show of hands>

What did you do to make yourself pretty? Tell me some things.

<pretty dress, lipstick, makeup, high heels, hairdo, etc.>

I know I tried to look pretty today. I put on this dress and did my nails and everything.

How many of you told someone else they look pretty today?

<show of hands>

Okay, last question (for now). How many of you when you were getting ready to come to the tea today got prettied up just so you could hear other people tell you how beautiful you are? Read More

My Thursday Thoughts

A LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND on March 2, 2017

I had a really hard day yesterday at work. There was a lot going on: visitors from corporate, a new trainee, supervisors getting frustrated, and generally a lot of expectations on me.

Then I came home (an hour late), and some friends came over for dinner, and my roommate was home unexpectedly. I love all those people, but I was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. I kept thinking, “Too much! Too much!” and wondering when I could escape the overstimulation after an overworked day.

I finally crawled into bed, and all I wanted to do was have someone hold me. I wanted your arms to wrap around me and tell me it was going to be okay because you’re on my team. Wanted to fall asleep knowing I’m not alone.

But you weren’t there.

I woke up this morning to my too-early alarm because I have to go to work early to get caught up from yesterday. I rolled over and reached to the other side of the bed, and I was greeted with a cold pillow and a pile of clean laundry.

I wanted a life partner who could be there with me (even asleep would be fine!) and remind me that I’m not the only one trying to tip the scales in favor of life over work.

But you’re not here.

Most nights, I fall asleep in the strong arms of an everlasting Savior, complete and satisfied in Him. But last night, without your arms around me, I felt incomplete. I fell asleep praying about that.

Most mornings, I’m glad I can get up and work out and make noise without bothering anyone. Most mornings, I’m grateful that I don’t have to deal with someone else’s snooze alarm. But this morning, the cold laundry side of my bed isn’t a very good substitute for you.

With Jesus, I have a partner/support system Who reminds me that I don’t work without hope or purpose; Jesus is the One Who gives me the energy to keep serving where I’m planted, even – especially – at work; the One Who gives me grace to handle being overwhelmed and the people to text when I need prayer. I just really wished you were one of those people today.

I’m not naïve. I don’t expect you to take away all my problems or be a perfect support system all the time. But can’t you be here – just be here – today? I’d like to jump back into bed and snuggle my cold self against your warm self. I’d like to kiss you goodbye as I grab my keys and run out the door with a coffee in my hand.

Instead, I’m going to jump in the shower and start getting ready for work, I’m going to text the people who pray for me on my overwhelmed days, and I’m going to keep running to Jesus. I might even get around to folding the laundry.

I’m praying for you today, for your empty side of the bed and cold mornings. I’m praying that you will seek Jesus and not temporary comforts you’ll enjoy now and regret later; that you don’t snooze your alarm; that you will spend your single time wisely; work to the glory of God; live in the service of others; surround yourself with wise, godly people who can point you to Jesus when you’re lonely.

I guess I’m saying, I trust God with my present and our future. I just miss you right now.

My Recent Adulting

I turned 34 this week. Gosh, I love being in my 30’s. I threw myself a pizza party, baked and decorated myself a cake, bought “Happy Birthday” plates and pink stripey napkins, and invited adult friends over who gave me flowers as gifts. I love it all.

Most days, I even love being single in my 30’s. I have friends my age whose kids are in middle school now, and I wonder when they ever had time to figure out themselves. I have friends with 6 kids, friends with a divorce or two, and friends with incredible how-I-met-your-mother stories. When I look at their lives, I don’t know how they do it, and I’m just so glad that God has given me the life I have.

(I even found out this week that some of the little girls at church think Nicole and I are SO COOL for being independent women and roommates in our own cute little apartment. We are pretty cool, aren’t we?)

What I don’t love so much is the level of adulting required some days. When I was a kid, I thought being an adult was 90% fun and 10% work. And some days, it really is. But these past couple of months have required some serious adulting. At a couple of points, I even had to fight back the lie that I could have dealt with my problems better if I’d had a husband to help me out.

You see, when I was growing up, my mom did the chores in the house, and my dad did the chores with the car. Somewhere along the line, my brain came to understand that the man takes care of the car – tire pressure checks, oil changes, windshield cleaning, waxing, etc.

When I needed to go look for cars when I graduated from college, I took my dad. When I needed to get my car serviced, I asked my dad for advice. When I was stranded on the side of the road, I called my dad. When I take my car for oil changes or routine maintenance, I think of myself as a strong, independent woman because I’m doing a man’s job.

Even now, I tend to think subconsciously that I only have to take care of my car until I’m married, and then I’ll have a man to worry about that for me.

Then in December, right before Christmas 2016, my car of almost four years – the only one I’d brought brand new, that I only had one payment left on – was rear-ended on the on-ramp to the freeway.

She was totaled. I was sad.

I had to deal with insurance, finances, car shopping online and in person, police reports, DMV paperwork – all that fun, adult stuff.

Seventeen days later, just 6 days after I drove home a certified pre-owned little beauty I’d found at a Toyota dealership, my new car was rear-ended when I was stopped on the freeway.

She also was totaled.

What the heck, right? So before I was even done with all the adulting from the first car accident, it started AGAIN! Insurance, finances, car shopping, police reports… good, good times.

A couple of weeks ago, I drove home another new car, and she’s wonderful. I can’t even begin to explain how blessed I am to have found this little gem. She has Bluetooth, backup camera, the works. She drives like a dream, gets gas mileage like a sports car, and comes with high safety ratings (another adult-y thing I never had to think about before now).

When I tell people about how the last couple of months of being 33 went, I say something like, “Life is hard, but God is good.”

Throughout the whole process, I wasn’t once bitter that I didn’t have a husband to help me navigate the world of car insurance/shopping, etc. I wasn’t injured beyond mild whiplash. I didn’t rail at God about what he was doing in my life, and I had peace the whole time that He had a plan.

I heard a sermon during this time, in which the preacher said, “Your future is in the hands of a good God Who loves you.”

And it was. I went from having a 2013 Versa with 80,000+ miles whose fanciest feature was her CD player – to having a 2014 Elantra with 5000 miles whose fancy features include a real-life backup camera!

I went from stressing about my finances and wondering how I was going to afford a new car when my Versa’s warranty ran out – to having the finances to buy two different cars within a month of each other, lower payments, cheaper oil changes, and better gas mileage. Oh, and free car washes for the life of the car!

I’ve learned a lot about God since my 33rd birthday, but I think one of the most tangible lessons has been with all of the adulting as a single I’ve had to do lately. Because of this process, God has quite literally shown me that my future is in the hands of a good God Who loves me.

Whether you and I are in the beginning, middle, or end of a trial, though, we don’t have to look at our circumstances to know that God is good. We can trust that He is because He showed us his ultimate goodness when He sent Jesus to die for us. And He showed us that He loves us when Jesus rose from the dead so that our future would be guaranteed in His presence in heaven forever.

In between now and my 35th birthday, I’m looking forward to finding out just what God does with my future. I’m actually excited to be in my mid-30’s. I might even finally be okay with handling my own car issues like a proper adult, and not just someone who is pretending to adult until something better comes along.

My prayer for my readers is this: may all of our trials find us knowing Jesus better, loving our Savior more, and trusting God more tangibly than we did before.

(I sure will be glad when I don’t dream in my sleep about being rear-ended anymore, though. Bleck.)

My God’s Glory

A couple of months ago, my friend Tim was in Africa with his family, adopting a child, and his computer was stolen. My friend is a pastor, and he had 10 years of sermons, blog posts, lesson plans, etc. on there. Not only was his computer stolen; but also his backup was stolen.

There he was, in Africa, trying to glorify God through preaching and adopting a child, and this awful thing happened.

I can tell you what my response to that would have been. I’d have walked around in a daze, alternately crying, tuning out the world, and praying for retribution to come raining down on the thief’s head. I once had my work computer stolen, and that was bad enough – but to have 10 years of sermons and book plans and life’s work just gone…it kills me just thinking about it.

But that wasn’t his response. Tim said, Read More

My Future Perceptions

This past month, my mind has swirled with questions…

  • When do I buy a house? Where? What should my savings goals for 2017 be in order to accomplish them?
  • When do I start classes to foster kids? Where? What would that look like with a roommate and a one-hour commute each way each weekday?
  • When do I try to move forward with my career? Where? What if I’m not cut out for the career I’ve chosen?
  • When do I find time to write? Where? What if my roommate never gets a job, and I’m never home alone to find time to write again?!
  • When will I get married? Where? What can I do to speed up this process?

For a couple of weeks, I’d take my questions to God, and I’d give him the swirled jumble of my thoughts and emotions, and I’d know I was heard. But since He didn’t give me answers right away, I’d take the burden of them back upon myself and let them swirl around me and try to sort through them by myself.

I was basically trying to figure out my whole future, right now. And if not completely figure it out, at least figure out what I could do right now to work toward the future I want.

It was exhausting.

I didn’t even realize how exhausting it was until Read More

My Dead Dreams

I’ve wanted to be a wife and mother, ever since I knew what that was. (This is no surprise to anyone who knows or follows me.)

Sure, I’ve wanted to be other things: fashion designer, graphic designer, marine biologist, office manager, writer, editor, missionary, motivational speaker, press secretary for the White House… the list goes on.

I’ve achieved some of these dreams, I’ve outgrown some of them, and I’ve seen the common sense in giving up on others. I love my life, and I’m happy with the choices that have brought me to office management with designing, writing, editing, and doing nail art on the side.

Sure, there have been some dreams that God has taken away from me; but I can look back and see that He had a good plan. Two examples for you: Read More