Tag: gospel-centered singleness

My Courtship (Non)Experience

.Reading time 10 minutes.

This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about expectations, and I think a certain expectation deserves to be fleshed out more.

Last week, I said that I expected to “meet someone, maybe hang out a couple of times. Then he’d talk to my parents, and we would decide to ‘court’ (but rebelliously call it ‘dating’) because we’d already know that we were headed toward marriage.”

In the words of the great Inigo Montoya: Let me ‘splain. No, ‘tis too much. Let me sum up.

I grew up in the “courtship culture” that has generated national buzz with the recent weddings of two Duggar daughters. This belief system is basically thus: man meets woman, man gets to know woman in a community setting (like a church or family outings), man asks woman’s father for permission to pursue her, man and woman never go on unchaperoned dates, man asks woman’s father for permission to marry her, man and woman get married and have many babies.

I have a lot to say about it, but since there are many, many, MANY blogs and books and otherwise published opinions and commentary on this subject, it took me a while to figure out if I have anything to add to the conversation. Well, I do. Read More

My Unexpected Expectations

.Reading time 8 minutes.

Not all years in Blithe Bachelorette-ville have themes, but 2014 has had a big one. It’s been a year of letting go of expectations.

  • This summer, moving from one apartment to another was a HUGE exercise in letting go of expectations. While I didn’t expect everything to go seamlessly, I did expect to be actually in town the weekend we were moving (which didn’t happen), and I didn’t expect to have to tell my roommate “I’m sorry” for being selfish several times (which did happen).
  • At work, I expected to be much farther along by this point; but I still find myself working on some of the same projects I was working on 12 months ago.
  • Even with this blog, I expected certain people to guest blog for me, or expected them to be able to blog on a certain day, only to have them say “no” or want a more flexible schedule.

And, of course, I’ve had to let go of a whole list of expectations about finding my future man. In the last year or longer, I’ve let go of: Read More

My Identity Crisis

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For years I told everyone who would listen, “I don’t want to marry a pastor.”

To anyone who asked why, I’d explain, “I don’t want to be known as ‘the pastor’s wife’ instead of by my name.”

I’d make a terrible Borg or Cyberman.

For years, I was defined by my relationships to people; I was one of the Edwards family, the pastor’s kid, the principal’s kid, Karissa’s sister, Krystal’s sister, etc.

In college, it finally occurred to me that I could just be “Charity Edwards.” I reveled in and flourished under that realization. I had heaps of fun finding out who I was without having to point at someone else as a reference point.

Once after I graduated college, my family and I met an old lady whom her grandson introduced to everyone as “Grandma.” He actually corrected people who tried to call her by her name. I remember thinking how awful it would be to be old and have no one left to call you by name – to only have a title that is determined by your relationship to someone else.

I so fiercely enjoy being known as my own self that I Read More

My Pretentious Pride

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My 10-year college reunion will be next year, and a couple of classmates have already contacted me to see if I’m attending.

10 years! Oh, the nostalgia. Oh, the comparing-myself-to-everyone-my-age – and not just to the people I knew in college, but also to all the people I knew in high school and before.

Looming reunions are, I guess, appropriate times to look back at what I’ve accomplished and celebrate where life has taken the people from my past – a time to compare jobs and families and relationship statuses. But I seldom actually just say something like, “Oh, that’s nice” and move on; usually, I have to decide who has had the better life – me or them. Read More

My Life of Good-Byes

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A few weeks ago, my friend Ashley and I were discussing the challenges of singleness vs. dating, and how the Gospel of Jesus applies to it all.

Ashley is dating a man in our church, and she said that one of the things she’s looking forward to someday is never having to say good-bye to him. When (if) they get married, he won’t have to walk her to her door and go back to his own home. They will be able to go to their home, and spend every evening, night, and morning together.

I’ve heard other couples say the same thing – that it gets harder to say good-bye, the longer you’re together. One of my roommates literally takes up to an hour to say good-bye to her boyfriend.

I poke fun at my roommate, but I remember when I was in Australia, and I felt like my Read More

Guest Blogger – Dave

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I wanted to tell more than just my stories on this blog; I wanted to get stories from other people – men, women, dating, single, living at home, living not at home, etc. So I recruited some guest bloggers. I’m excited to share Dave’s story with you today.

The Weight of Singleness

As a teenager, I had many aspirations but only a few that, from what I perceived from the world at that time, were realistic. Along with the dwindling 1st grade hope of becoming a professional football player, there were more realistic ambitions in my life, such as earning starting positions on the football and wrestling squads, a 4.0 GPA, and – like any young teenage boy – getting the girl. Of course, the assumption was the marriage thing, along with kids and the comfortable family structure that was modeled to me growing up, would follow.

As a teenage boy, there is not a lot of deep thought about marriage or a family. It was just assumed that was the way life would lead because that is what I saw to be the norm. Never did it once cross my mind that I would be approaching the age of 30 and, instead of sharing a house purchased by my hard-earned money with my wife and 5 kids, renting a 3-bedroom apartment with 2 other men. Read More

My Independent Ways

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I wonder sometimes if I’m not married because I’m too strong and independent. Hahaha. Like that’s a thing, right?

No, but seriously, I do love my independence. And I wonder sometimes if that makes me less beautiful to men. Here are some of the things that I don’t need to share right now:

  • Bank account
  • Bathroom
  • Bed
  • Car
  • Closet space
  • Weekend plans

I used to live with my family of seven kids and two parents, and we had a house with only one shower. So I greatly, GREATLY enjoy the freedom now to not share when I don’t want to.

In fact, the idea of losing my independence Read More

My Valiant Efforts

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What is the balance between God’s sovereignty and my responsibility? I’ve asked myself that question many, many times – especially in the last couple of years.

  • When I moved apartments earlier this year, I knew God was in control. But how much was I supposed to stress myself out by looking for apartments, and how much was I just supposed to let God do His thang?
  • When my two sisters, three brothers, two parents, and extended family are planning a Christmas get-together with people in five states and two countries, how much should I try to make everything happen just the way I want it – and how much should I let God be God?
  • When I was car-searching, was my insistence on getting a car that was cute God’s way of directing my search?

And, of course, I process this topic all the time when it comes to singleness. How much am I supposed to DO to get a man, and how much am I supposed to WAIT for God to bring the right one?

I think the answer to that question is different for different people in different times in their lives, but right now, I keep coming back to Proverbs 16:9: “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps” (NIV).

Basically, that verse and a few more in Proverbs Read More

My “Justified” Envy

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The story replays itself often: I scroll through my Facebook news feed; wedding – baby – engagement – baby – wedding – engagement – more babies.

I usually react one of three ways to other people’s good news:

  • Yay, I’m so happy for them! They’ve been wanting/trying for this for a long time.
  • Ugh, MORE people getting married and having babies! Don’t they know it’s super rude to post all that happy news all over Facebook? Geesh, have a little respect for those of us who want that and don’t have it.
  • I canNOT believe SHE got engaged. I am so much prettier/smarter. I have better grammar/manners. I’m not sitting around waiting to pop out babies; I’m DOING something with my life – and SHE’S the one who gets the man?

I know that two-thirds of those responses are not right; but most of the time, I don’t even feel bad about blatantly thinking them (or saying them out loud).

One time, a friend announced her engagement on Facebook, and I immediately texted two friends and said something like, “Seriously? Her? She is SO. WEIRD. How did she get a boyfriend anyway? And now she gets to have a wedding and a HUSBAND?!” And the thing that made me feel better was the return text in which my friend told me everything wrong with the fiancé.

When I’m super honest in my selfish moments, I don’t want anyone younger than I to get married or have children. I don’t want anyone less attractive than I to get a spouse more attractive than I. I want basic spelling and grammar skills and a certain IQ to be a requirement for people in a relationship. I don’t want anyone who chews loudly Read More

Guest Blogger – Jessica

.Reading time 8 minutes.

I wanted to tell more than just my stories on this blog; I wanted to get stories from other people – men, women, dating, single, living at home, living not at home, etc. So I recruited some guest bloggers. I’m excited to share Jessica’s story with you today.

I was very flattered when asked to be a guest blogger by Charity on her site that has continuously encouraged me on my walk through singleness. However I feel inadequate to speak on a subject that I can never seem to get ahead of. But I am very thankful that the Lord uses broken vessels in this broken world to share His healing truth!

My prayer in writing about my story and the struggle I face in singleness is that through my misplaced hopes, the lies that I so often believe about God, and the truth that the Holy Spirit faithfully reminds me of would encourage whomever reads this and that the truth about our good God who deeply cares about our hearts and our struggles has left us with a hope that can overcome any and all situations.

I have been a believer for almost 6 years now and I have been single since becoming a Christian. I have yet to experience a relationship with a God-fearing man that is headed towards marriage and my heart desperately longs for that day. However I have seen what a life without Jesus has to offer and where it all leads to and I can with full confidence say that I am not missing out on anything! I would rather be single and have Jesus than be in a relationship and not have God! Read More