I’ve been single for a long time – 31 years, in fact. In that time, many people have offered much well-meant advice on how to irrevocably alter my relationship status.
I hear some of this advice (like the advice about going to the bar) so much that I have standard responses to it. Other advice I just laughed off – and then later thought of the perfect snarky response.
So, for your perusal, I present: Great Advice. I dare someone to try some of these and let me know how it works for you.
|What they say…||What I say… (Or, What I wish I would have thought of at the time)|
|You should get a boyfriend.||Why, are they on sale this week – $39.97 at Wal-Mart?|
|You should get married.||I’m free next Saturday.|
|We need to find you a boyfriend.||Ummm…okay.|
|We’ll find you a husband; don’t worry about it.||Thanks, mom.|
|You should go to the local singles’ bar.||Because the bar is TOTALLY my scene, and I want to date a guy who hangs out at bars to pick up random women.|
|You should go to the singles’ Bible study at the local megachurch.||Because the best reason to go to church is to get a man – not to learn about Jesus.|
|You should go online.||Again?|
|You should go to a baseball game, get decked out in home team gear, wave around pennants, and cheer really loudly even if you don’t like baseball.||If I wanted to spend money to get a man under false pretenses, I’d join eHarmony.|
|You should go to church.||Would you come with me?|
|You should lower your standards.||How far? This far? THIS far? THIIIIISSSSS far?|
|We need to get you dressed up and take you out on the town.||If my heels start hurting my feet, will you give me a piggy-back ride?|
|You should marry…ummm…how about THAT guy. <points to random stranger>||Oh, I’m glad you put thought into that one. Really appreciate it.|
|I should set you up with my friend/grandson/nephew/etc.||Ummm…okay (I should point out here that no matter how many times I say okay, no one ever follows through on this.)|
|I gave someone your phone number; you should look him up on Facebook.||Thanks, sis. Love you, too.|
|You should flirt.||So that when I finally land my man, he will know that I was the one who flirted with everyone until I found him?|
|You should wear more clothes.||Because my knees and collarbone are SO sexy.|
|You should wear less clothes.||How much thigh is okay – this much? THIS much? THIIIIIS much?|
|You should cut your hair.||I like my long hair.|
|You should grow your hair.||Ummm…okay.|
|You should wear more makeup.||I like my face.|
|You should wear less makeup.||I like my makeup.|
|You should travel more.||Have you SEEN my passport?|
|You should travel less.||I like traveling.|
|You should find a man in [that country you’re going to].||Because my ideal relationship is totally long-distance and fraught with visa problems.|
|You should start looking.||Ummm…|
|You should stop looking.||Last time I checked, I definitely found something when I wasn’t looking for it.|
|You should try harder.||That’s a great plan. Thanks for that.|
|You should try less.||That’s a great plan. Thanks for that.|
|You should pray harder.||Is that right?|
|You should lose weight.||Ummm…okay.|
|You should gain weight.||Ummm…okay. I like that plan better.|
|You should pick up a hobby that guys like.||Do guys like knitting? I’ve been meaning to learn.|
|You should learn to like the outdoors.||The outdoors is best enjoyed from the indoors – preferably an indoor mall.|
|You should be more independent.||Done. I’ve got this – well, me and AAA.|
|You should be more needy and simpering.||I stubbed my toe. Will you carry me to the ambulance? Also, I need $20.|
|You should be quieter.||Okay, I’ll get right on that.|
|You should be yourself.||I’m so glad you said that. I was afraid I was turning into Zooey Deschanel there for a minute.|
|You should not be yourself.||Dang. Wait, does this mean I get to be Zooey?|
What bad/quirky/off-the-wall/out-of-the-blue advice have you been given, and what snarky thing did you say (or wish you could say)?
[My apologies if you’re offended that your advice ended up on this list.]
5 thoughts on “Just For Fun – “Great” Advice”
It wasn’t so much advice as it was something amusing to me at the time when I was 18, and still today as I’m still single…
Great Uncle: You married yet?
Me: Uh, I’m 18…
Great Uncle: Well you’re two-thirds of the way there.
Great Uncle: You’re willin’ and the preacher’s willin’.
I still giggle at the memory. 🙂
Hey, when I gave the guy your number, I did NOT tell you to look him up on Facebook. 😉 Love you!
No, my actual sister told me that.
This is fantastic!! I think I’ve heard at least half of these on your list. I will definitely have to steal some of your answers 😉 My favorite question is: why are you still single, you’re so (fill in the blank) ______ (pretty, nice, Christian, etc…) whatever.
I still haven’t thought of a creative answer to that one. I usually tell people that God’s the one working out the details of my life so if they are worried about my relationship status they can go and talk to Him about it because I certainly don’t know the answer to that one. 😉
One blogger I read recently said her standard response to that is, “My man took a wrong turn on his way to me and refuses to stop and ask for directions.” I’m definitely stealing that one.