To my future husband, on Jan 2, 2016:
I missed you today.
I took down Christmas decorations this evening with my roommate, and I packed them up after she left for work. Another year of un-decorating with a roommate, of taking down the lights that were only lit half the time because neither of us was home much. It was our fourth Christmas together, but I never thought I’d have four Christmases with the same roommate before I had four with a husband.
Afterward, I sat on the couch, watching reality television because there’s literally nothing left on my to-do list. It’s moments like these when I miss you the most – when I’m caught up on all my editing jobs and household chores and TV shows. When I’ve read more than my eyes can handle in one day and have some time left before I head to bed.
I finished my show, turned to the other end of the couch, and almost asked you if you were ready to hit the hay, when I realized you weren’t there. And I missed you.
I tried to distract myself for a moment, but I had to put down Facebook because there were too many happy couples and newborn babies, and it made me sad.
Over the past few years, I’ve been training myself to turn to Jesus instead of to wallowing when I feel sad. I guess the training paid off tonight, because I talked to Jesus about you. “God, I miss my man tonight. I don’t know how it’s possible to miss someone I’ve never met, but I feel his absence.”
The truth, though, is that I do know how it’s possible to miss someone I’ve never met. Adam missed Eve before he knew she was even possible. I sometimes miss a particular sibling who was miscarried. I always miss heaven, especially now that I have loved ones there. Ultimately, all that missing leads me to look forward to the physical presence of my heavenly husband Jesus.
But tonight, it was you who I missed. There was a gap at the end of the couch where it seemed you should have been.
I’ve been praying the same four or five prayers for you since I was 19, and I recently asked God to give me new prayers for you. Yesterday, a friend told me about a blog post she read, in which the author postulated that we should pray less of “God, make this suffering better” and more of “God, make this suffering count.”
So tonight, I prayed a new prayer. I said, “God, I miss my future husband. Make this time spent away from each other count. Make it count for Your kingdom and for Your glory.”
Usually, my prayers for you include a sentence or two about trusting in God’s timing, but I know with 100% certainty that His timing is perfect and that He has already written our love story. So tonight, instead of praying that God would bring us together, I’m praying that God will help us to not waste our time apart, that He will make it count.
Similarly, I pray that we each will make our time until we get to heaven count.
And, I mean, I did turn off the reality TV program, so I guess He’s already answering!
Wishing you were here,