My Independent Ways

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I wonder sometimes if I’m not married because I’m too strong and independent. Hahaha. Like that’s a thing, right?

No, but seriously, I do love my independence. And I wonder sometimes if that makes me less beautiful to men. Here are some of the things that I don’t need to share right now:

  • Bank account
  • Bathroom
  • Bed
  • Car
  • Closet space
  • Weekend plans

I used to live with my family of seven kids and two parents, and we had a house with only one shower. So I greatly, GREATLY enjoy the freedom now to not share when I don’t want to.

In fact, the idea of losing my independence Read More

My Valiant Efforts

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What is the balance between God’s sovereignty and my responsibility? I’ve asked myself that question many, many times – especially in the last couple of years.

  • When I moved apartments earlier this year, I knew God was in control. But how much was I supposed to stress myself out by looking for apartments, and how much was I just supposed to let God do His thang?
  • When my two sisters, three brothers, two parents, and extended family are planning a Christmas get-together with people in five states and two countries, how much should I try to make everything happen just the way I want it – and how much should I let God be God?
  • When I was car-searching, was my insistence on getting a car that was cute God’s way of directing my search?

And, of course, I process this topic all the time when it comes to singleness. How much am I supposed to DO to get a man, and how much am I supposed to WAIT for God to bring the right one?

I think the answer to that question is different for different people in different times in their lives, but right now, I keep coming back to Proverbs 16:9: “In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps” (NIV).

Basically, that verse and a few more in Proverbs Read More

My “Justified” Envy

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The story replays itself often: I scroll through my Facebook news feed; wedding – baby – engagement – baby – wedding – engagement – more babies.

I usually react one of three ways to other people’s good news:

  • Yay, I’m so happy for them! They’ve been wanting/trying for this for a long time.
  • Ugh, MORE people getting married and having babies! Don’t they know it’s super rude to post all that happy news all over Facebook? Geesh, have a little respect for those of us who want that and don’t have it.
  • I canNOT believe SHE got engaged. I am so much prettier/smarter. I have better grammar/manners. I’m not sitting around waiting to pop out babies; I’m DOING something with my life – and SHE’S the one who gets the man?

I know that two-thirds of those responses are not right; but most of the time, I don’t even feel bad about blatantly thinking them (or saying them out loud).

One time, a friend announced her engagement on Facebook, and I immediately texted two friends and said something like, “Seriously? Her? She is SO. WEIRD. How did she get a boyfriend anyway? And now she gets to have a wedding and a HUSBAND?!” And the thing that made me feel better was the return text in which my friend told me everything wrong with the fiancé.

When I’m super honest in my selfish moments, I don’t want anyone younger than I to get married or have children. I don’t want anyone less attractive than I to get a spouse more attractive than I. I want basic spelling and grammar skills and a certain IQ to be a requirement for people in a relationship. I don’t want anyone who chews loudly Read More

Guest Blogger – Jessica

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I wanted to tell more than just my stories on this blog; I wanted to get stories from other people – men, women, dating, single, living at home, living not at home, etc. So I recruited some guest bloggers. I’m excited to share Jessica’s story with you today.

I was very flattered when asked to be a guest blogger by Charity on her site that has continuously encouraged me on my walk through singleness. However I feel inadequate to speak on a subject that I can never seem to get ahead of. But I am very thankful that the Lord uses broken vessels in this broken world to share His healing truth!

My prayer in writing about my story and the struggle I face in singleness is that through my misplaced hopes, the lies that I so often believe about God, and the truth that the Holy Spirit faithfully reminds me of would encourage whomever reads this and that the truth about our good God who deeply cares about our hearts and our struggles has left us with a hope that can overcome any and all situations.

I have been a believer for almost 6 years now and I have been single since becoming a Christian. I have yet to experience a relationship with a God-fearing man that is headed towards marriage and my heart desperately longs for that day. However I have seen what a life without Jesus has to offer and where it all leads to and I can with full confidence say that I am not missing out on anything! I would rather be single and have Jesus than be in a relationship and not have God! Read More

My Impossible Standards

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“I’m thinking about starting a blog,” I said to Diane. I was painting her nails at her house.

“Oh, what about?” she asked.

“Singleness in the church,” I replied as I opened the next color.

“Oh yeah?” she said, interested. “I was single until I was in my 40’s.”

I pried further and found out much of her story. Diane was born with cerebral palsy, and she assumed she’d never get married. Then in her early 40’s, she met a man who asked her out. He also had never been married. Five years later, when Diane was 46, they shared their first kiss at their wedding.

The part that struck me about her story was not that Read More

My Lonely Life

.Reading time 9 minutes.

In May of 2014, I sat down to write a list of all the lies I’d ever believed about myself or God because of my singleness. I countered it with a list of truths about Jesus that I’d learned because of those lies.

As I was writing the list (which eventually became this blog), I started thinking about what a unique situation I have (Translation: how weird I am). “For sure I’m the only 31-year-old virgin in the WHOLE WORLD,” I groaned.

And as I continued on with the list, I felt lonelier and lonelier. I’ve never been one to wallow in loneliness, but I’ve certainly felt all alone even in the midst of crowds, family, or friends. “If only I had a man,” I would think, “I’d have someone to talk to/hang out with/escape with.”

Loneliness has led some of my friends to drastic decisions: “I called my ex-girlfriend because I was lonely,” “I married him because I just didn’t want to be alone,” “We slept together because we were both lonely.” Read More

My Apologies

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“So…is there a guy in your life?”

I’ve heard it a million times, in half a million different ways:

From the little girls in church. “When are you going to get married, Miss Charity? We want to come to your wedding!”

From the well-meaning relatives. “Your younger sisters are married. When is it going to be your turn?”

From the people I haven’t seen in a while. “So tell me…are you seeing anyone?”

From my married friends. “Marriage is wonderful. You DO want to be married, right?”

From my single friends. Read More

My Repulsive Self

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I rounded the corner of 2014 and stared at my looming 31st birthday – yet another birthday and Valentine’s Day without a boyfriend. I wanted a Valentine this year, and I sighed as the day neared again with only the prospect of a call from my dad and a card from my roommate.

I’d long since given up the idea that something must be wrong with men in general because I was still single. My thoughts turned to my now-defunct lists, and how I used to have so many “deal-breakers” when it came to men.

He has blonde hair? He’s out. His last name is weird? He’s out. He doesn’t agree with me on some minor theological point? He’s out.

So if there was no more list and nothing wrong with men in general, there must be something wrong with me, I mused. It must be because there is some deal breaker about me, something that makes men take one look and say “she’s out.”

Clearly, if I could fix that thing (or those things), then I wouldn’t be single anymore, I told myself. Read More

My Back-Up Plan and My Last Resort

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I’m going to tell a story, but first, I need to tell the backstory:

About the time I let go of my list, my two best guy friends both got girlfriends. One of them had been my Back-up Plan (to marry if we were both tired of singleness at the same point, and no one better had come along); the other had been my Last Resort (to marry if we were both single and the last two people on earth).

Okay, on with the story!

The window is clean, but I can’t really see through it. It’s the window to my future.

My “List of Things I Want in a Man” is taped to the window. I like looking at it; it’s comforting, and it’s known. It doesn’t bother me to not see through the window, when I can see my pretty list instead.

God: take it down.

Me: I don’t want to take it down! It’s been there forever, and I’m comfortable with it. FINE, I’ll take it down.

[Deep Breath] Riiiiiiiiip! Read More

Guest Blogger – Ryan

.Reading time 10 minutes.

I wanted to tell more than just my stories on this blog; I wanted to get stories from other people – men, women, dating, single, living at home, living not at home, etc. So I recruited some guest bloggers. I’m excited to share Ryan’s story with you today.

It is a privilege to write a few of my thoughts about singleness, and I have been encouraged by Charity’s thoughtful and gospel-centered writings about this subject. We all long to belong. God has placed eternity in the heart of man (Ecclesiastes 3:11) and there is an intense desire to find fulfillment and purpose in our lives.

Many of us, like myself, have struggled with singleness, yet Scripture makes it clear that there is a calling within the church to edify the body of Christ through the gifts He gives to the church. For some of us, the notion of being single is hard to grasp, and for others there is a reluctance to trust God, wondering if the right person will come along to share life together.

I have wondered the same thing now, having just turned 40, which I am thinking is my new 30 (at least that is what I tell myself). For me, singleness has been hard to deal with; yet I have also enjoyed its benefits, all the while knowing that God Read More