My Good God Who Loves Me

About 3 weeks ago, I was home alone, and I was confronted with my deeply-seated, soul-ingrained desire for a husband. It wasn’t like my heart longed; it was like my soul ached, and I cried out to God with only groans.

For about 3 years, I’ve confronted all the ways and reasons I desire a man. I’ve written post after post after post, and they mostly follow the format: Desire – reason for desire – reason I’m believing a lie – truth – Gospel truth – Yay Jesus.

So on this particular day, I confronted my desire for a husband. I didn’t even know why I wanted one so badly; it took me a few minutes of talking to God to figure it out.

I finally realized, though, that I felt like my life wouldn’t begin until I had a husband.

Obviously, this is a lie. Obviously, I have a life (and a great one). But this lie was different; it refused to be covered up by slapping a few Gospel bumper-stickers on it or rooted up by throwing a couple of Bible verses at it. I deeply, deeply, for years – maybe even decades – had been believing this subtle lie that my life will begin when I’m married. It’s been embedded in the depths of my soul and woven into the fabric of my unconsciousness for as long as I can remember. So it took some major processing, praying, and digging to combat it with the truth. Read More

My Recent Adulting

I turned 34 this week. Gosh, I love being in my 30’s. I threw myself a pizza party, baked and decorated myself a cake, bought “Happy Birthday” plates and pink stripey napkins, and invited adult friends over who gave me flowers as gifts. I love it all.

Most days, I even love being single in my 30’s. I have friends my age whose kids are in middle school now, and I wonder when they ever had time to figure out themselves. I have friends with 6 kids, friends with a divorce or two, and friends with incredible how-I-met-your-mother stories. When I look at their lives, I don’t know how they do it, and I’m just so glad that God has given me the life I have.

(I even found out this week that some of the little girls at church think Nicole and I are SO COOL for being independent women and roommates in our own cute little apartment. We are pretty cool, aren’t we?)

What I don’t love so much is the level of adulting required some days. When I was a kid, I thought being an adult was 90% fun and 10% work. And some days, it really is. But these past couple of months have required some serious adulting. At a couple of points, I even had to fight back the lie that I could have dealt with my problems better if I’d had a husband to help me out. Read More

My Stability in the Storm

Lately, I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that my whole life seems to be in limbo right now. It’s perhaps a bit melodramatic, since my WHOLE life isn’t in limbo – just some of it.

But seriously:

  • One roommate is getting married in July, but we don’t know yet what date she’s moving out. We have someone else lined up to move in with us, but we don’t know yet what date she’s moving in.
  • The other roommate and I are going to Europe a couple of weeks after the wedding, and my passport is being renewed right now. We still haven’t planned everything, and it’s amazing how much planning it takes to pack when you want to pack light but be cute and comfortable the whole time.
  • We want to move when our lease runs out in September, but we don’t know where. I want to buy a house, but I don’t know if that’s going to be feasible by September.
  • My medical bills from my surgery were much higher than I expected, so I’m trying to settle all that with insurance and the hospital.
  • Then, of course, there’s the whole wanting-to-be-married-but-not-having-a-boyfriend thing. Not to mention the whole wanting-to-have-kids-but-not-being-married thing.

At this point, if anyone wants to hang out, I have to tell them to get back to me in August. Even then, I might be packing to move. AND, somewhere in there, my roommate and I have to fit in our annual barbecue.

For the past few weeks, thinking about all that has the very real potential of causing me to spiral. Fortunately, Read More

My Faith Free-fall

Sometimes, I take a running start and fling myself off the Cliff of Faith, scared but fully trusting that God will catch me. I’ve moved to a new state with no place to live yet; I’ve agreed to live with someone without having met her first; I’ve traveled alone internationally with no idea if anyone would pick me up at the airport. It’s adventurous and adrenaline-pumping, and God always catches me, even if the landing is a bit bumpy at the bottom of the Cliff.

But this week, I feel like I was minding my own business at the top of the Cliff, and I was somehow pushed backwards off of it without my consent.

There are three things I’ve been wanting lately:

  • To have a husband
  • To own a house
  • To be free of medical bill issues (from my recent surgery)

These wants have been whispering (or shouting) to me, “Jesus can’t satisfy you. Only you can satisfy you. Only sin or hard work or worry can give you want you want.”

Tuesday, I was driving to work, and I was stuck in my hormones, asking Jesus how He could possibly satisfy them – and how He could be glorified in unsatisfied desires. Probably about 25% of my attitude was genuine curiosity (I wonder how He can be satisfactory to me physically); but the other 75% was definitely belligerence (If You’re so all-satisfying, Jesus, then prove it).

At lunch that day, Read More