Lately, I’ve been telling anyone who will listen that my whole life seems to be in limbo right now. It’s perhaps a bit melodramatic, since my WHOLE life isn’t in limbo – just some of it.
- One roommate is getting married in July, but we don’t know yet what date she’s moving out. We have someone else lined up to move in with us, but we don’t know yet what date she’s moving in.
- The other roommate and I are going to Europe a couple of weeks after the wedding, and my passport is being renewed right now. We still haven’t planned everything, and it’s amazing how much planning it takes to pack when you want to pack light but be cute and comfortable the whole time.
- We want to move when our lease runs out in September, but we don’t know where. I want to buy a house, but I don’t know if that’s going to be feasible by September.
- My medical bills from my surgery were much higher than I expected, so I’m trying to settle all that with insurance and the hospital.
- Then, of course, there’s the whole wanting-to-be-married-but-not-having-a-boyfriend thing. Not to mention the whole wanting-to-have-kids-but-not-being-married thing.
At this point, if anyone wants to hang out, I have to tell them to get back to me in August. Even then, I might be packing to move. AND, somewhere in there, my roommate and I have to fit in our annual barbecue.
For the past few weeks, thinking about all that has the very real potential of causing me to spiral. Fortunately, not much spiraling is happening, thanks to, well, Jesus. But I’ve definitely freaked out a couple of times to people who will listen.
In my freak-out moments, I want to just have a house already. I want to just be back from Europe so I can settle down already. I want to just have a husband so I can have all of my unanswered questions about him answered already.
Essentially, I’m looking for stability in my currently tumultuous life. (And, really, compared to other times, my current state is rock solid. In most moments, I realize it’s a privilege to be in this first-world limbo.)
But the thing is, there’s always going to be some part of my life that’s “in limbo.” If I have a house, I’ll want it to be decorated. If I have my medical bills paid off, I’ll have something else to pay for. If I have a husband, I’ll want kids. If I have kids, I’ll want them to grow up. In this life, there will never be a time when everything is stable and everything is going right.
To find stability, therefore, I have to look outside my circumstances and the people I live with. To find stability, I have to look at Jesus.
Jesus existed before time (John 17:24), and He MADE my world and life and circumstances (John 1:1-3). He decided before time began that He wasn’t ever going to let my eternal future be in limbo, that I’d be with Him instead of in hell forever (Ephesians 1:5). To that end, He became a human and took on the death I deserved, so that I could get the eternity He deserved.
But He’s not just sitting up there in heaven, hanging out while I’m struggling in limbo down here. He sent the Holy Spirit to be present with me now (John 14:26), to teach me about the Bible and calm my freaking-out heart.
In this lifetime, when I get my eyes off my circumstances and put them on Jesus, I find that His steadfastness is not just a quick-fix for my life – not just a bumper sticker or an old hymn. His steadfastness/stability is what gives me life. Without Jesus, I’d not be alive; at the very least, I’d be doomed to an eternity in hell, apart from God (Luke 16:19-31).
It’s like Jesus is standing still in the middle of the hurricane of life. When I cling to Him, and He clings to me, the hurricane barely whips my hair around. But when I focus on the wind and flying debris, or I decide that a house or a relationship or a job or my bank account is better to hold onto than Jesus, I get blown away into freak-out moments, worry, frustration, and sin.
I don’t need to be out of limbo. I don’t need to have my bills paid. I don’t need to know where I’m going to move in September. I don’t need to know when my passport will come in the mail. I don’t need to have a wedding pre-planned for a man to step into. I NEED Jesus – and, thanks to God, I have Him.
No matter what.