I’ve been trying out dating on a free online dating site recently, and I thought I’d share some of my advice (Part 1) and experiences (Part 2).

These stories are offered without comment. The names have been withheld to protect the…ummm…innocent? This post is just for fun; my single friends who have tried online dating can probably attest that these things do happen.

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MAN 1:

My profile: I love Jesus, volunteer at church, and am looking for a man who loves Jesus.

Man person: hi [insert opening line here]

Man person’s profile: Religion – nonreligious

Me: Hi, I’m looking for someone who loves Jesus and attends church regularly. Would you say that describes you?

Man person: yes, that’s totally me!

Me: great! Where do you go to church?

Man person: I’m looking for a church right now.

Me: Where do you live? I’ll recommend one. <proceeds to recommend local Reformed church in San Diego>

I’ve had this conversation AT LEAST A DOZEN TIMES. They can’t all seriously be in between churches. I’ll be danged if the local Reformed churches don’t see an increase in attendance soon.

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MAN 2:

I tell one guy that we should be just friends. He texts me a few nights later: “Will you be my girlfriend?” I call and tell him no, and now we can’t even be friends.

Then he contacts me on Facebook Messenger to ask me on a date. He gets blocked so hard.

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MAN 3:

Another guy texts me on Monday, but neither of us text for three days, so I figure we are mutually not interested. Then Thursday, I get a text from him saying, “Well, then… Goodbye, I guess.”

This is the same guy who was up-front about the fact that he was divorced with two teenage children. His marriage ended because he was using porn, and his wife found satisfaction in the arms of another, but he hasn’t stopped using it, which is why he wants to get married again. Used to be a pastor, now doesn’t feel like putting effort into his walk with the Lord.

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MAN 4:

Tells me I’m too busy for him because I have company and can’t chat on the phone – on the first day we start texting.

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MAN 5:

Tells me he’s Catholic, but he’s willing for me to change him. Won’t give up. Gets blocked.

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MAN 6:

Writes a long, thoughtful intro message about how I should give him a chance even though he’s not religious because he has religious friends, and he gets along fine with them.

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MAN 7:

Tells me he’s not a Christian, but his ex-wife’s name is Charity, so he gets a kick out of telling me good morning and good night for a couple of days. I try to ghost him, but he keeps coming back with new profiles.

After a few days of his saying he wants to be just friends, he makes a long, impassioned pitch on why I should give him a chance, and how he would go to church with me if that’s what I want.

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MAN 8:

Loves Jesus, is actively involved in church, has a job. Asks me on a date, won’t tell me where we’re meeting, and texts me 30 minutes after the date is supposed to start to tell me that he needs to reschedule.

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MAN 9:

Asks me all kinds of questions about my feet, won’t let it go. Gets blocked.

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MAN 10:

Asks me on a date. We have a nice time. He says he wants a second date. I text him to set it up. Nothing comes of it. He ghosts me. Several weeks later, he tries to friend me on Facebook.

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MAN 11:

Tell me he’s in Nigeria on a peacekeeping mission with the military, complains about how hard life is. Throws enough Christians words in there to make it seem like he loves God. Asks me to send him $100. Gets blocked.

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MAN 12:

Loves Jesus, meets up with me for the first time at church, meets some of my church people. We go on a couple of dates, and I’m definitely attracted. He is CUTE. At the end of the second date, I find out that he believes in sex before marriage, like it’s an okay thing for Christians.

I’m actually still friends with him – but just friends, for reals.

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MAN 13:

Tells me for weeks that he has a crush on me, that he can’t wait to meet me, that thinking about me is the best part of his day, and I’m just what he’s been praying for. (I tell him to cool it with the feelings because we haven’t even met yet.) We arrange to meet up at church one day, and go for a picnic after. He doesn’t show. I call and text him to see if he is still alive. Nothing.

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And these are just the ones that have memorable stories. Usually what happens is – if you even get to the point where there’s a conversation going – you message for a bit, and the conversation fizzles. Just…goes away. Maybe you even talk on the phone or meet up for coffee or lunch, and no follow-up happens.

The biggest frustration for me, with online dating, was the fact that “Loves Jesus, goes to church, has a job” was seemingly insufficient criteria for finding a husband. Don’t get me wrong; it was hard to find people who even met those qualifications. But when I did meet someone like that, I had to consider his theology. Does he subscribe to Calvinism? Is he being discipled? Does he even know that that means? How does he display Christlikeness in his relationship to the church? What fruits of the spirit are on display in his life? Please, God, don’t let him be someone who cusses, or chews with his mouth open.

After 2 months of this, I was just…done. I couldn’t anymore. Not saying I’ll never go back to it, but it’s so much work with so little payout.

(On an unrelated note, does anyone want to arrange a marriage for me? No? That’s cool, that’s cool. I’ll just be over here serving God, focusing on him, building a business, volunteering at church, and eating ice cream.)

But enough about me. Tell me your online dating stories – good and bad. The people want to know!