Online Dating: Part 1

It’s been a hot minute since I posted, and I didn’t really know if I ever would again. But I’ve been trying out dating on a free online dating site recently, and I thought I’d share some of my advice (Part 1) and experiences (Part 2).

The Blithe Bachelorette’s guide to online dating

1. Make sure you are the only human in your photos. If you are with another person of the same sex, we don’t know which one is you; if you are with a person of the opposite sex we don’t know if you are a player. If you are with a child or infant, we don’t know if he/she is yours. Pets and aliens are okay in pics.

2. No shirtless (or nearly shirtless) selfies. We don’t want you for your body. Yet. Wait until the wedding night for that.

3. Selfies should be taken from an angle showcasing your face, not your double chin. Hold the phone above your face and angle it down, okay? I say this out of love as your sister in Christ (and maybe your future wife, if you’re a dude).

3. Avoid phrases like, “a bit about me” (I mean, obviously you’re not writing your profile about anyone else) and “I don’t know, just ask” (duh, we’re going to ask).

4. If you want to attract a Christian human, make sure you say something about loving Jesus in your profile. I ain’t got time to talk to every cute guy to figure out who loves Jesus and who don’t.

5. There are acceptable ways to start conversations with people you like online. These are not them: “Hi.” “Hey.” “Ur pretty.” “How’s your day going?” And “I’m a Nigerian prince and need all your bank account information.” The “tell me about yourself” doesn’t work either because that pretty much means you didn’t read our profile. Instead, maybe say something about what is on our profile. Or, you know, tell us a funny story, or use a funny meme/gif.

6. If you are interested in talking to us, please actually use sentences and respond. Ask us questions. Answer ours with more than one word. If our profile has enough flattering pics of us 10 years ago and 25 lbs lighter, you’re not the only one trying to talk to us. Keep up your end of the conversation.

7. The question “how is your day/evening/morning/week going?” Does not count as a get-to-know-you question. It puts all the onus on us to be witty enough to keep the conversation going, and believe me – you’re not the first one to think to ask it.

8. Make dates AND KEEP THEM.

9. Trust God, because you’re never just another man or just another woman to him. He sees you like he sees Jesus. Anyone else’s opinion of you is temporary.

10. And for the love of all that is holy and good in this world, end your sentences with actual, grown-up punctuation, not lol.

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