My Good God Who Loves Me

About 3 weeks ago, I was home alone, and I was confronted with my deeply-seated, soul-ingrained desire for a husband. It wasn’t like my heart longed; it was like my soul ached, and I cried out to God with only groans.

For about 3 years, I’ve confronted all the ways and reasons I desire a man. I’ve written post after post after post, and they mostly follow the format: Desire – reason for desire – reason I’m believing a lie – truth – Gospel truth – Yay Jesus.

So on this particular day, I confronted my desire for a husband. I didn’t even know why I wanted one so badly; it took me a few minutes of talking to God to figure it out.

I finally realized, though, that I felt like my life wouldn’t begin until I had a husband.

Obviously, this is a lie. Obviously, I have a life (and a great one). But this lie was different; it refused to be covered up by slapping a few Gospel bumper-stickers on it or rooted up by throwing a couple of Bible verses at it. I deeply, deeply, for years – maybe even decades – had been believing this subtle lie that my life will begin when I’m married. It’s been embedded in the depths of my soul and woven into the fabric of my unconsciousness for as long as I can remember. So it took some major processing, praying, and digging to combat it with the truth. Read More

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Just for Fun: Beauty of Jesus

I haven’t been blogging lately – not because I’m not processing the Gospel, but because I haven’t really been processing singleness. One of the things that occupied my time and thoughts the last 4-5 weeks has been a devotional talk I gave at a ladies event at my church today.

Just to prove that I’m still alive and thinking deep thoughts, here is the transcript of my 20-minute talk. Happy reading, friends!


How many of you, today, did something just to make yourself look pretty?

<show of hands>

What did you do to make yourself pretty? Tell me some things.

<pretty dress, lipstick, makeup, high heels, hairdo, etc.>

I know I tried to look pretty today. I put on this dress and did my nails and everything.

How many of you told someone else they look pretty today?

<show of hands>

Okay, last question (for now). How many of you when you were getting ready to come to the tea today got prettied up just so you could hear other people tell you how beautiful you are? Read More

My Thursday Thoughts

A LETTER TO MY FUTURE HUSBAND on March 2, 2017

I had a really hard day yesterday at work. There was a lot going on: visitors from corporate, a new trainee, supervisors getting frustrated, and generally a lot of expectations on me.

Then I came home (an hour late), and some friends came over for dinner, and my roommate was home unexpectedly. I love all those people, but I was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed. I kept thinking, “Too much! Too much!” and wondering when I could escape the overstimulation after an overworked day.

I finally crawled into bed, and all I wanted to do was have someone hold me. I wanted your arms to wrap around me and tell me it was going to be okay because you’re on my team. Wanted to fall asleep knowing I’m not alone.

But you weren’t there. Read More

My Recent Adulting

I turned 34 this week. Gosh, I love being in my 30’s. I threw myself a pizza party, baked and decorated myself a cake, bought “Happy Birthday” plates and pink stripey napkins, and invited adult friends over who gave me flowers as gifts. I love it all.

Most days, I even love being single in my 30’s. I have friends my age whose kids are in middle school now, and I wonder when they ever had time to figure out themselves. I have friends with 6 kids, friends with a divorce or two, and friends with incredible how-I-met-your-mother stories. When I look at their lives, I don’t know how they do it, and I’m just so glad that God has given me the life I have.

(I even found out this week that some of the little girls at church think Nicole and I are SO COOL for being independent women and roommates in our own cute little apartment. We are pretty cool, aren’t we?)

What I don’t love so much is the level of adulting required some days. When I was a kid, I thought being an adult was 90% fun and 10% work. And some days, it really is. But these past couple of months have required some serious adulting. At a couple of points, I even had to fight back the lie that I could have dealt with my problems better if I’d had a husband to help me out. Read More

My God’s Glory

A couple of months ago, my friend Tim was in Africa with his family, adopting a child, and his computer was stolen. My friend is a pastor, and he had 10 years of sermons, blog posts, lesson plans, etc. on there. Not only was his computer stolen; but also his backup was stolen.

There he was, in Africa, trying to glorify God through preaching and adopting a child, and this awful thing happened.

I can tell you what my response to that would have been. I’d have walked around in a daze, alternately crying, tuning out the world, and praying for retribution to come raining down on the thief’s head. I once had my work computer stolen, and that was bad enough – but to have 10 years of sermons and book plans and life’s work just gone…it kills me just thinking about it.

But that wasn’t his response. Tim said, Read More

My Future Perceptions

This past month, my mind has swirled with questions…

  • When do I buy a house? Where? What should my savings goals for 2017 be in order to accomplish them?
  • When do I start classes to foster kids? Where? What would that look like with a roommate and a one-hour commute each way each weekday?
  • When do I try to move forward with my career? Where? What if I’m not cut out for the career I’ve chosen?
  • When do I find time to write? Where? What if my roommate never gets a job, and I’m never home alone to find time to write again?!
  • When will I get married? Where? What can I do to speed up this process?

For a couple of weeks, I’d take my questions to God, and I’d give him the swirled jumble of my thoughts and emotions, and I’d know I was heard. But since He didn’t give me answers right away, I’d take the burden of them back upon myself and let them swirl around me and try to sort through them by myself.

I was basically trying to figure out my whole future, right now. And if not completely figure it out, at least figure out what I could do right now to work toward the future I want.

It was exhausting.

I didn’t even realize how exhausting it was until Read More

My Dead Dreams

I’ve wanted to be a wife and mother, ever since I knew what that was. (This is no surprise to anyone who knows or follows me.)

Sure, I’ve wanted to be other things: fashion designer, graphic designer, marine biologist, office manager, writer, editor, missionary, motivational speaker, press secretary for the White House… the list goes on.

I’ve achieved some of these dreams, I’ve outgrown some of them, and I’ve seen the common sense in giving up on others. I love my life, and I’m happy with the choices that have brought me to office management with designing, writing, editing, and doing nail art on the side.

Sure, there have been some dreams that God has taken away from me; but I can look back and see that He had a good plan. Two examples for you: Read More